Scared

Recently, a friend was inquiring about my health. I told her I am having chemotherapy every week. In the course of our visit, she asked me “Do you ever get scared?” I thought about her question for a few moments and replied, “I was scared when I first suspected I had cancer. And I was scared when my fears were confirmed and knew I was facing surgery and chemotherapy as well as the possibility of radiation.”

I went on to tell her that not only was I scared, I was worried and sad and that I had a lot of concerns. She asked what I had been most concerned about and I replied, “My husband.” Given his problems, I was really concerned about how he would manage without me. Later, I realized our children would look after him and do their best to take care of him.

When my friend asked what went through my mind when I heard the diagnosis, I answered there were many things -- many questions I had no answer to. Questions like, How long would I live? Would I survive to attend the graduations and possibly weddings of my grandchildren? How was I going to cope with the gradual decline of my health? Would surgery and chemotherapy free me of cancer? If I had to have radiation, how many treatments would I need? Where would I go for it? How would my body react to everything?

I said as my fears, worries, and concerns mounted, I became more scared. There were some days I felt I couldn’t think clearly at all. Sometimes I felt the only way to clearly think my way through everything was to go off somewhere by myself. I thought if I could just have some time alone, I would be able to figure out how to handle everything.

One day, I told her, as I was thinking about all that had taken place in a short time, it was as though a curtain had been raised and I was no longer afraid or concerned or worried. I knew right then the only way to handle everything was one step at a time. I knew I had to start by getting answers to my questions, followed by examining each concern and how to handle them, and, finally, falling back on my personal faith -- faith in God, in my family and friends, in medical personnel and their knowledge and expertise.

Scared? Yes, I was scared at the beginning and once in a great while, I still feel scared, but it soon passes and my mood lightens. I remember how much support I have, how many prayers are said for me on a daily basis -- some from people I don’t know and probably never will.

We all get scared from time to time. We just have to remember there are many people who love us, care about us, worry about us, pray for us, are willing to help us. And soon our fears disappear and we’re ready to move forward.