The Glasgow Courier - Serving Proudly As The Voice Of Valley County Since 1913

By Virgil Vaupel
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Death Has Occurred

But I Was Feeling So Chipper


I thought I’d better get this off my chest while I still have a chest to get it off of. (Off of which to get it? … From which to get it off? … Forget it, I am what I am.)

See, here’s what happened over Christmas.

I was sitting in my recliner, reclining watching football when I had an attack of “heartburn” or acid reflux as those in the know at the FMDH call it. I suppose I could blame it all on the two cartons of chocolate milk balls I had consumed, along with the sardine-avocado-pineapple-tofu sandwiches I had munched on earlier.

I grabbed for my Eubdien MDX12.5 and without hesitation, and truly trusting the pharmaceutical company that makes the stuff, I popped a couple tablets, washing them down with my own invention of prune juice and Tang.

After a few or more minutes had elapsed, I could feel the Eubdien MDX12.5 starting to take hold. I was feeling pretty chipper when, timely and ironically, this ad comes over the TV touting the virtues of the drug I had just ingested. Coincidence? I think not!

I had to agree with the announcer when he extolled the soothing properties of this miracle potion, telling me that it works 53 and two-thirds times better and faster than the “other” leading brand. I’m thinkin,’ “Wow” that guy has this stuff nailed to a tee. It really works.”

And then the other shoe dropped, and I could feel the elephant in the gloom as two sheeps passed in the dark.

In a lower and much faster voice, the announcer told me – It felt like he was talking directly to me alone because I had just taken this wonder drug of which he speaks – do not take EubdienMDX12.5 if you are nursing, pregnant or plan to become preggers. Having just come back to my chair from the bathroom I was pretty sure I could discount that warning.

But then my confidence in Fizzerton Labs, maker of Eubdien MDX12.5, was shattered like a stepped-on cockroach when the voice started naming off just some of the diseases and maladies I “could” contract while taking this ‘wonderful’ stuff.

Why, I could get flat feet, fallen arches, web feet and stinky feet along with tin ear and lead poisoning … and “death has occurred in some cases.”

He went on to add that I could suffer from “dog breath, malaria, nepotism, despotism, dengue fever, measles, chicken pox, snoring, snorting, sniffling, sneezing and constipation. And death can occur.’”

“You can get blurred vision, chicken breast, elephant thighs, horse sense, rhinoplasty, cat scratch fever, bloating, skin warbles, impotency, gastric discomfort, loss of eyebrows and underarm hair and male pattern baldness, and death has been reported in some cases.

“High blood pressure is common” he continued, “and low testosterone can occur along with MBD (male breast development), dehydration, dry mouth, chill banes, double vision and, if you experience an election lasting more than four hours, you need to see a doctor.” (I never did understand that one.)

He went on to add “itchy feet, sticky fingers, rambling eye, lazy eye, eye of the tiger, skin discoloration, crackpotism, death and in a few instances one could experience an acute case of pluviophile-ism.

The man ends the ad with, “Take EubdienMDX12.5 now … feel complete relief immediately.”

By now I’m ready to head out the door to go get my stomach pumped at the doctor place. I don’t want to become preggers, although it would probably guarantee me a spot on “Letterman.”

The one that scared me the most, however, and it should scare you as well, was that “death has occurred” thingie. I could live with most of the other things, but I’m not sure I could live with death.

Happy New Year!

That’s it for now folks. Thanks for listening.


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