I have recently received a thank you letter from a Mr. Chong, address Beijing, China, and I would like to share same with my 10.567 readers.
Dear Mr Vaupel, A lot of us here in China prescribe (their word, not mine) to the World Famous Glasgow Courier in an attempt to keep up with American spending trends. We know that your column is always truthful and your 10,567,000,000 readers (again, their mistake, not mine) will appreciate this information.
That said, on behalf of my 5 billion countrymen, I would like to extend a heartfelt and sincere “Thank You” to the tens of millions of Americans who spent more than 700 million dollars on our “Made in China” fireworks.
With your American economy in the toilet, as you have said in your columns, and all your manufacturing moving out of your country to mine, and in light of your actual nationwide unemployment figures of more than 20%, my fellow countrymen are astounded, yet pleasantly pleased, that Americans will squander so much cash on stuff that will ultimately simply vanish into thin air with a great big BOOM.
And it has been discovered by our spies that are planted in your schools and workplaces that only about 5% of your entire population below the age of 25 understand the REAL reason for celebrating the Fourth of July. They think it's just a day made for blowing S--T up and aggravating your neighbors from June 29 to the 6 of July.
It was signed, Sincerely, Mr. Chong.
Now, I really appreciated this letter from our friend Mr Chong and could feel, through the many miles that separate our country, the warm and fuzzy true feelings of Mr Chong and his countrymen.
To continue a little further, I looked to Forbes for the following information.
Americans spend $150 million on chips and dips, $263 million on hamburgers and buns and 86 million on cheese.
It will cost us $361 million bucks to squeeze mustard, ketchup (or catsup), relish, salt, pepper, mayo and salad dressing on our dogs and burgers.
To cook these epicurean delights, we will buy $210 million dollars worth of lighter fluid, propane and charcoal.
Watermelon and popsicles will cost us another 275 million.
And last but not least, no American holiday would be complete without beer in vast quantities. Anheuser Busch and Molson Coors would like to thank you for the $450 million you spent to rent their product for just a few hours.
Let's just add up all the stuff. Less the fireworks, the total is about $1,795,000,000.00. Now, add the $700 million for fireworks and we'll see the grand total cost to Americans to celebrate this, mostly drinking beer and blowing S--T up, is $2,495,000,000.00.
I hear you mathematician wizards thinking “that's only $7.56 for every man, woman, child in the United States.” Cheap entertainment indeed, but according to one of my previous columns it's just one more drop of blood.
So, next year if you feel the cherished desire to blow $7.56 on this “entertainment,” just stay at home with family and close friends and tell your children the story of the Colonists who 238 or so years ago took America away from King George – and why it was necessary to do so to make freedom a possibility for them and for us.
Oh, and please don't send me the $7.56 you would have spent. I'd probably just buy food with it.
That's it for now folks. Thanks for listening.